Stolen from the Bates Motel contest – I placed second.

I can’t believe I never put this up on the blog. I did this as a “what the hell” type thing and I had fun writing it. It got me a t-shirt and I have to be honest, I love swag!

The Bates Motel Bar of Soap

by Jason McKinney

My name’s Bartholomew and I have a story to tell! You know those bars of soap you find in motels? Well, that’s what I am, a cheap bar of soap in a cheap motel. I’ve had some good and bad times in my short life and this is the story of both.

The guy who owns the motel I work in is a creep and into some weird stuff. The towels heard from the bed linens that he’s into peeping tomfoolery and stuffing dead animals. He’s not a bad-looking guy for a soft-spoken, dark-haired broomstick but his mommy obsession’s more than a little off-putting. Like I said, the guy’s a creep.

My first task at my job was pretty awesome. I mean, how many bars of soap can say that their first go at bathing is with a hot blonde. This girl was smoking hot! She was sharp in all sorts of ways but unfortunately so was the knife that killed her.

I mean what the hell, you know? Here I am, minding my own business, slathering her up when the curtain opens up all of a sudden and this jackass starts stabbing her. Not only does he ventilate her with a butcher knife but he does it in his mothers dress! I mean seriously, what’s that all about?

My day was shot after that. He cleaned up the mess he’d made and used me to do it. That sucked! I went from sliding all over sweet boobs to cleaning up blood for Sweeny McCreepiness, the demented taxidermist of the desert.

The worst part was when he smoothed me down and tried to put me back in my wrapper. He did a crap job of it by the way. Then he shoved me into his pocket. Not only is he blood thirsty and weird but he’s cheap too.

Next thing I know he’s talking to his dead mother, in two voices I might add, as he climbs the stairs fumbling with me. “Norman, get up here. Norman where are you?” he kept saying to himself in a fake, gross old woman’s voice. Ugh. Well, Norman did a crap job rewrapping me to begin with but because he kept handling me with his sweaty, skin wrapped, bony appendage he got me all lathered up, and not in a good way, and warped me out of shape, too. Then I landed right on the steps and now I have old woman carpeting on me to boot.

I laid on that step for who knows how long before some schmuck with a badge showed up. Questions are asked, paranoia ensues and this poor joker takes a fall down the stairs. Let me make something clear, he wasn’t so much pushed, but rather slipped. The guy stepped on me right as he was turning to face Mr. Bony Faced Murderer Momma’s Boy. Ever been stepped on by a slightly overweight person? No? Let me tell you, you don’t want to be. The guy ground his damn flat foot grime into me and on top of that took me down with him. Thanks for nothing, Ace. I swear we seemed to fall forever and at a weird angle too.

Now listen, Norman Creepy Pants knows how to clean a crime scene. I’m soap so I know clean. Unfortunately, I also know the feel of dead old lady. Creepy decided to wash mommy’s parchment like face before dropping me into the trash. I guess participation in three murders is the limit for a bar of soap. Why couldn’t I have been Dawn dishwashing liquid instead?

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About Jason McKinney

I'm a word slinging, werewolf loving, zombie wrangling, scare master author, husband and father of three. When I'm not writing, I'm blathering nonsense to the world or taking orders from the family. You have my thanks for stopping by and I hope you enjoy the madness and mayhem! Stay delicious, my living peeps!
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24 Responses to Stolen from the Bates Motel contest – I placed second.

  1. Spot says:

    I was giggling so hard I spit coke out my nose! Ouch! That was some seriously funny sh*t Jason! And that is the highest compliment I can give. Excellent work, you totally deserve that t-shirt. Wear it with pride!

    Stacey

    • Thank you, Stacey. I do appreciate it. I love comedy but I guess that’s obvious. 😉 I love the t-shirt. I wear it when ever I can (which is a lot) just to see if anyone notices it. It looks like a normal t-shirt you’d get from any hotel except for the Psycho mansion in the background. Only one person has noticed what it represents but it was water that came from his nose once he realized what it was. lol

    • Thanks, CJ. I’ve never thought to write from an inanimate object like a bar of soap but it was extremely fun! Thank you for reading it! And accept my apologies for not replying sooner. All three of your comments went to my spam folder which really pizzes me off!

  2. Oh man, second place. This must have been one hell of a contest for you not to have won it with this story. Loved it.

    • Thanks, Ryan. I’m truly glad you enjoyed it. In all honesty only 11 people entered but to place second for my first piece of flash fiction was extremely unexpected and a pleasant surprise. I’ve gotten a lot of laughs from the Sweeny McCreepiness remark alone.

  3. MPax says:

    Psycho is one of m all-time favorite movies. Great story.

    • Thank you, MPax. I really appreciate it. I felt that the soap played a crucial role needed telling. lol Anthony Perkins will always be Norman Bates to me. I love Vince Vaughn but the remake lacked the Alfred Hitchcock touch. I mourned Mr. Perkins’ death. The film industry was left poorer for his passing.

  4. Angela Scott says:

    Oh, Jason, you’re awesome. I loved it. Good stuff.

  5. Very clever. I especially like the soap’s indignation at having to clean up the blood.

    It reminds me of some classic Magical Realism I read in college (specifically, Gogol’s “The Nose” and Landolfi’s “Gogol’s Wife.”) Having typed that, it feels a bit pretentious, but I had the book on my shelf and wanted to check the stories out again.

    I guess any story that sends me back to my favorite stories must be a good one.

    • Thank you for reading and your compliments, Marcus. I’m planning on taking a look at The Nose and Gogol’s Wife. If the soap reminds you of those stories then I have to check them out. I enjoy stories that remind me of favored tales as well.

  6. Angela Scott says:

    I tagged you over on my blog. Tag! You’re it!

  7. That definitely went right where I wasn’t expecting it to. I loved it! Hilarious!

    I’m here from Angela’s blog 🙂

    • Thank you for stopping by to give a read, Juliana. I love Psycho and by definition suspense and horror. I also love comedy. I can’t say that enough. 🙂 I love mixing the two, or all three, because life is full of humor, laughter, and scary moments.

  8. Also, do you not have a way to follow your blog on Google Reader? Or do you just have subscriptions through e-mail?

    • Right now it’s email subscription only but I’m trying to figure out how to have the follow option on google reader. My tech advisor, aka my lovely wife, is constantly on the go and working with this that in the other like all mothers do. She keeps saying she’ll look into it. Maybe I shouldn’t be so dependant and try doing it myself. lol

  9. Violeta says:

    That was awesome. I love the twist, I didn’t get it at first and then the lightbulb lit up. 😀 I laughed hard at this: “I guess participation in three murders is the limit for a bar of soap.” So I definitely like your style, that what a real twist is like. Love it. It does deserve and award. Well done! (And if you’d be interested in guest-blogging at my place sometime, don’t hesitate to contact me). 🙂

    • Thank you for taking the time to read it, Violeta and I’m glad you enjoyed it. Growing up people always said that my thinking was out of left field! I can’t say it enough, Psycho gave me a phobia about shower drains. lol

  10. amyorizzo says:

    This was hysterical. “Unfortunately I also know the feeling of dead old lady.” I swear, I will never look at a bar of soap the same way again. (Nor will I use one as an accomplice.) Wonderful writing!

    • lol Soap can be used for such nefarious things. Years ago I watched Psycho (Alfred Hitchcock’s version. There are no others!) with a friend and he wondered what was going through Janet Leigh’s character’s mind in the shower scene. “Besides, ‘oh, shit!, he’s stabbing me. It’s the soap I’m thinking of. Janet Leigh was gorgeous!” I’m a guy so what could one expect from me. 🙂 the conversation always stuck with me and there you go! Besides, soap is an excellent accomplice. It’ll never rat you out and you can dispose of it without worrying about an added murder charge. 😉

  11. Pingback: My Blog » beware the comic books: a guest post by Jason McKinney

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